Worst Jokes Ever
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
Man: What's up?
Me: I'm annoyed.
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf's heart.
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.
I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"
Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."
I was 11 or 12 at the time.
Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...
If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
How did the orphan become famous? They said, "Go big or go home."
I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korea's long-range missiles can't reach that far.
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.
Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.
Your clown is so stupid it took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other one carries your shopping.
Yo mama so dumb, she sold her car for gas money.
Yo mama so poor the ducks throw bread at her.
A short person should never piss off a fat person taller than them. The fat person just has to lean slightly, and it's 9/11 all over again.
I just finished my fourth round of baby back ribs. For some reason, everyone else at the abortion center is staring at me.
My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"
What is a Mexican's favorite sport?
Cross-country!!!
When you're mean to the quiet kid in your class and he kills everyone, good times.
Me and a person downtown.
Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.
Me: I guess so.
Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?
Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.
Person: Why'd you stop?
Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.
Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you ;)