Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
Worst Jokes Ever
In a cruel twist of irony, Stephen Hawking's favorite song was "I've Got the Power."
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
Don't worry, Stephen Hawking isn't dead.
They have just got to copy and paste his memory onto a USB.
Stephen Hawking was one of the best scientists ever. Now he's walking up the steps of he... No, he's not walking up the steps of heaven.
He's not really dead, his update failed.
Be warned, if you are in the shower, I might pikachu and it's not my fault if I see any jigglypuffs.
What noise does Stephen Hawking make when he dies? Windows shutting down theme tune.
Guess Stephen's batteries died.
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
These jokes are nearly as dead as Steven Hawkings.
So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.
I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
Q: What did the iceberg say to the Titanic?
A: I'd hit that.
Why does Sally have 100 sisters? She lives in an orphanage.
Q: What was the name of Michael Jackson's last book?
A: The ins and outs of child rearing.
What pool never runs dry?
The one on the Titanic.
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
