Worst Jokes Ever
How do Americans learn the metric system?
9mm at a time. The problem is sometimes it goes straight through their heads.
Where does a suicide bomber go when he dies?
Everywhere.
Why can't orphans get 5 stars in GTA? They aren't wanted!
What is the difference between iPhones and orphans?
iPhones have a home button.
What do a gay man and a tumbleweed have in common?
They blow and blow until they wind up on a fence in Wyoming.
What kind of pizza did the twin towers order?
Two large plains.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims – they went 89 stories in ten seconds.
What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?
His life insurance.
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
If a blind person can’t see, then do they sleep?
They’re the night watchers while people who see sleep.
"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his mom was in a jam!
Why did the cookie cry?
Because its mom was a wafer too long!
"What did the mom broom say to the baby broom? Go to sweep!"
I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
Kids make a lot of plans for people who can't drive anywhere.
"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."
Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.
"Our teen has decreed we are the 'Worst Parents Ever.' We will hold our coronation ceremony to accept this honor next Friday. Invitations to follow."
There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.