Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
How did the orphan become famous? They said, "Go big or go home."
What do blind kids and orphans have in common? Neither of them can see their parents.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”
Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
Ever heard of the show naked and afraid? thats what i call hide and seek with my uncle.
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital? Reload and keep shooting
I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. "next to mine" was not the answer i was expecting
Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water?
Who else would think of adding gas?
