Worst Jokes Ever

I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?

Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? -- Because Yoda was in charge of the sequence.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? -- "Mumbai!"

Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.

What rock group has four men that don't sing? -- Mount Rushmore.

Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth-theist.