Worst Jokes Ever
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
Suicidal people are a big contributor to the rope making industry.
How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
She comes home with sparkles on her face.
Why did God make men?
Because you can't teach a vibrator how to mow the lawn...
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.
What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.
There was a kidnapping at school.
Don't worry, he woke up.
You know those paper families you cut out?
Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? You have to ask permission before stuffing it with meat.
What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?
Baby Jesus died a virgin.
What do you call a gay threesome?
A Sloppy Joe.
How do you blow up an Indian person?
You press the red button.
Age is just a number,
Jail is just a room.
A kid is watching TV and sees an ad about adopting an animal. He then turns to his mother and says, “Do we have to adopt a donkey?” “No,” replied the mom, “but we decided to do it... we adopted you.”
The number 13? Not on my watch!
What's the difference between Tyler and a rooster? A rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-doo," Tyler says, "any cock will do."
Some people think Bin Laden is dead, but some think he's alive.
He is the Al-Qaeda Elvis.
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.
Imagine if you were an Arabic person shopping at Walmart with your son.
Now imagine he got lost and you had to start calling out his name.
...Now imagine his name is "Allahu Akbar."