Worst Jokes Ever
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
"Dick dick dick, fuck dick nugget shit."
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
How do you die from Alzheimer's? You forget how to breathe.
A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"
When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.
There was a little boy named Chris who was addicted to Roblox.
One day, his grandpa fell into a deep coma caused by a head injury.
One day, little Chris went to visit his poor grandpa. He brought his Windows 10 too, but it had no charge in it. After pulling out some wires and placing his into the wall, he started to hear a long beeping sound, but ignored it and continued to play Roblox. Chris's parents came and saw what had happened.
The dad then yelled, "You dumb f***, you killed my father!!!"
Then Chris said "Yeah. He was worth robucks, too."
When I die, I want to be shot out of a cannon.
And into a children's birthday party.
Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?
Because they don't want to admit that meat makes them happy.
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
"Simba is proof cats don’t always land on their feet."
My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.
So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)
Children are like farts.
You can only tolerate your own.
You wanna know who didn't kick the bucket? Stephen Hawking didn't; nor did he bite the dust.
What is the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with a light on.
Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.
Welcome back to the hide and seek world championship! Osama Bin Laden vs. Anne Frank!
What's the difference between anal and oral sex?
An and Or!
An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"