My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
Worst Jokes Ever
Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.
I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
Will glass coffins be a success? -- Remains to be seen.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? -- People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.
9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? The hockey player showers after 3 periods.
Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? -- "Mumbai!"
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.
