Wish jokes
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
Police officers hope you’re a criminal.
Doctors hope you get sick.
Mechanics hope you get car troubles.
But only thieves wish you prosperity.
Weird?
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
I wish death was in the form of a woman.
That way, it would never come for me.
All these people on here making me wish I knew them IRL.
Why aren’t Make-A-Wish kids allowed to fly?
Because they rarely make it out of the terminal.
Brrr, it's fucking cold outside, aye? What do you guys want for Christmas? A sweet video game? Maybe a cool action figure? Oh, how about the latest phone!
Who me? Oh, I guess... I wish snow could melt as fast as the snowflakes that downvote good jokes! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!
What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?
"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.
Knock knock. Who's there? Parents. Parents who? That's what an orphan would say.
Hey guys, wish me luck on my game Al-Nassr vs. Raed Al-Raed. I have 604 million followers on Instagram, but we are not gonna be able to beat that. Can we get to 69 followers, please and thankyou?
My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.
Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.
There are 206 bones in the human body, but I’d really like to have 207.
I was watching The Conjuring with an emo person. She said she likes the part where the girl was hanging. I said, "Why? Because you wish it were you?"
God: You're gonna have 2 parents.
Orphan: Double it and give it to the next person.
Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me right now!
I wish you were a soap, because I want you all over me.
So this is how I got divorced.
On my birthday my boss, who was a hot sexy woman who I have always had an eye on her huge ass and tits, wished me happy birthday and took me to her house. She went into the shower and came out dressed and this made me disappointed. But then she stripped off and made my dick go into her pussy and before I could realize I heard her main door creak. And in came my wife, mum, and my 2 kids, 8 years old and 12 years old. Although my wife joined in, she was mad after since that was not my wife, that was my wife's twin sister. Do not know why woman these days are like this!!!!!!!!!!
Why are orphans so happy on Christmas? Because they might get a family.