Underworld

Underworld Jokes

Hell

Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.

American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"

Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"

German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"

Drug Dealer

How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?

Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.

  • 0
  • School

    The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

    I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

  • 3
  • Hell

    A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

    Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

    Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

    Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

    Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

    Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

    Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

    Demon: "You a smoker?"

    Guy: "You better believe it."

    Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

    Guy: "Golly."

    Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

    Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

    Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

    Guy: "Wow."

    Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

    Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

    Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

    Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

    Demon: "You gay?"

    Guy: "Uh, no."

    Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

    Deal

    I made a deal with Satan. I would get a free pass to hell if I serve as a demon lord. So, see you guys at the end of times!

    Child

    Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

    Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

    Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

    Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."