The jokes
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They stuck her in a round room and told her to find the penny in the corner.
Why don't pirates take a bath before walking the plank?
'Cause they just wash up onshore.
A priest walks into a bar, immediately orders the kids' menu.
Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road?
To get to the dark side.
My girlfriend didn't bring me the sandwich, so I brought the gas.
My parents used to make me and my siblings apologize to the ground when we stomped.
If I had done "it," I would have gotten SO many apologies.
How many emissions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry.
What did one plane say to the other? "Let's fly!"
What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?
They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
How do parents punish their blind kid? They move the bed.
I saw a kid on the side of the road covered in rags and asked if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."
What part of a vegetable can’t you eat?
The wheelchair. 😑
I saw a kid crying and asked him where his parents were. He started crying harder.
The ungrateful brat. I see why he is an orphan.
If you were a fruit, you would be a fineapple.
If you were a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital.
Q. What’s the only good thing about child molesters?
A. They drive slow through school zones.
Johnny, Johnny?
Yes, Papa.
Eating sugar?
Yes, Papa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach, and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you’re mad at me for eating a little sugar.
Smoking? Telling lies?
Yes, Papa, you do all of those things because you’re a chronic addict.
What did the weed say before he got on the escalator?
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They told her to go find the light.
Why can’t the orphan play baseball?
It can’t find home.
What do a brand new house, me, and new jewelry box have in common?
We're all empty on the inside.