The jokes

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.

"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.

"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head.

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.

"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."

A kid went and got a haircut. The day after, he went to school, and a friend says, "I like your cut." He replies, "Which one?"

I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.

Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?

It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.

If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy. Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.

Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Shit, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed, well, except for this one guy.

I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.

At baseball practice...

"Hey John, did you bring the bucket of balls?"

"No, but I got two right here."