The jokes
Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.
What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and an Emo?
They're both gay and use knives.
Who are the fastest readers?
9/11 victims.
A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.
"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.
"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head.
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.
"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."
Why are all the emos banned from Six Flags?
Because they keep cutting in line.
A kid went and got a haircut. The day after, he went to school, and a friend says, "I like your cut." He replies, "Which one?"
What does "the whole pile of poops" mean?
"The whole pile of shits."
How does Jesus whistle?
By blowing through the holes in his hands.
I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.
Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?
It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.
Why do they call my dick section 8?
Because all the hoes are on it.
Have you seen the inside of Ford's Theatre? It will blow your mind. ~Abraham Lincoln
Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!
If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy. Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.
Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Shit, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed, well, except for this one guy.
I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.
At baseball practice...
"Hey John, did you bring the bucket of balls?"
"No, but I got two right here."
Why did Helen Keller sign the n-word?
She thought she was black.