The jokes
If someone's debating the speed of light and a drunk Russian, the Russian would take speed to grab a falling wallet.
Your momma so fat when she stepped on one scale, it broke. When she got another one, it said "TBC." She looked in the mirror, it broke.
What mistake did the manager of the Twin Towers make?
He replaced all the window cleaners with 2 commercial jets.
Why are Asians so bad at baseball? ... Because they ate the bat!
Why can't orphans fail a test?
Because the teacher is gonna ask their parents to sign it.
My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
Why did the tomato cross the road?
To ketchup with his friends on the other side.
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? Because you're not allowed to run in the corridors.
Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.
"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.
"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.
"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.
The companies that made the hand gel sanitizer must be absolutely rubbing their hands together!
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flat-mate.
This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.
How do you say "fish" without the "i"?
Fsh
What did the cannibal do after eating all the vegetables?
Sold the wheelchairs on eBay.
What should I write a joke about? Name the subject, and I’ll make a joke about it.
What's the opposite of Jason?
Jasister.
One of my family members died on 9/11, he was one of the best pilots in the Middle East.
Why have there been so many deaths around the world?
Trees and ropes.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Queen.
Queen who?
You don't know the queen? You're crazy!
The emo kid's mom went to jail because the kid was hung.