The jokes

Why do I look nervous when I enter the church? Is it just because I'm the only one with the bomb?

Why were the twin towers sad?

Because they ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.

Q: Why was the tower of Pisa leaning?

A: Because it has better reflexes than the Twin Towers.

Pretend you are an old man who is 77 years old and there are 7 doors, which door should you pick?

The seventh door.

My great uncle died in a concentration camp.

He fell off one of the guard towers.

I don't think we should eliminate the LGBT.

However-

Your manna so fat your father will be coming around the mountain when he cums.

Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.

One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

The only woman to ever tell you that they loved you was your mom. (If she even loved you in the first place.)

I asked the gym instructor,

"Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" he asked.

"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett? Six hours.

At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.

Why do so many people get charged with rape? Because they are too stupid to finish her off and bury the body.

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

What Lord of the Rings book is banned from the United States?

The Two Towers.

I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.

He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.