The jokes
How names were named.
"I have to go because my tailor is at the gym where he will chase coal before dawn."
"SAY THAT AGAIN. SO MANY GOOD NAMES!"
This is how big cats were named.
"I HATE BIG CATS. THAT ONE IS A LIAR, THAT ONE IS A CHEATER. THE ONE IS A POO-MA."
"Lion. Cheetah. Puma. You're getting a promotion."
The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.
I'd tell a child abuse joke, but I forget the punchline.
If you look for something for 10 days and a woman walks in, opens a cabinet, and finds it:
So, just hire a female pope for the Holy Grail that has been missing for 500 years so she just opens a cabinet and she finds it.
Trump got a new jet.
He's probably already licked the windows.
Why did Kamala Harris visit the library?
To check out some “law” books and maybe return a few skeletons.
What's the difference between a hoe and a prostitute?
One is a tool. The other is your mom.
Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the inn keeper three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"
I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.
Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.
A Russian, a Cuban, and an Englishman are on a ship. The Russian takes a swig of vodka and throws the bottle overboard. The Cuban and Englishman with astonishment say to the Russian, "What did you do that for?"
The Russian says, "In Russia, we got an unlimited supply of vodka."
A little while later, the Cuban lights up a cigar, takes a puff, and throws it overboard. The Cuban says, "We got an unlimited supply of Cuban Cigars in Cuba."
Then the Englishman grabs a Paki and throws him overboard...
Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.
I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.
That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!
Japan takes credit for creating the rice cooker, but they forgot the USA made the largest one in 1945 and sent it to Japan.
A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”
Trump wants people to think he's a great golfer. But the only handicap he has is a mental one.
I used to think all Americans were racist.
Now I've changed my mind. They DID elect an orange president.
Here in Canada, you used to be able to be shipped off to an asylum just because you were gay.
I guess they couldn't tell the fruits from the nuts.
Q. What's the difference between Trump and a piece of shit? A. Shit isn't orange.
In light of Trump's slurring, staggering, and incoherence, I wondered if he should get checked for a brain tumor.
Then I realized how ridiculous that sounded.
A tumor can't grow in something that doesn't exist in the first place.
Why do Black people dip their Oreos in water?
Because daddy never came back home with the milk.