The jokes
If James Bond is the most famous spy, wouldn't that also make him the worst spy?
Millions of people are doing the exact same thing as you are right now.
A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone that knows you.
Yo mama so fat, the cops arrested her because she had 240 pounds of crack on her.
A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.
Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, “I can save you $100!”
God, people are so sensitive these days. You can't even say, "Paint the wall black," you have to say, "Jamal, could you paint the wall?"
A guy is talking to an Indian therapist.
He had a red dot, and the American thought it was from a sniper rifle and tackled him and said, "I thought the red dot on your head was from a sniper rifle!"
Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it had better reflexes than the Twin Towers.
Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma.
Yo mama is so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo momma is so ugly even the trash man wouldn't pick her up.
Stolen dad jokes: "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."
When your girlfriend says it is too small, you say, "Just enjoy the small thing."
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Lay on the bed, So I can fuck you.
You know why you remind me of a calculator? Because 1+1 equals the two of us.
A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"
A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"
The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."
The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"
The Flanders Song
God said to Noah, "There’s gonna be a floody-floody."
Rain came down, it started to get muddy-muddy.
Get these animals👏out of the arky-arky."
"Leave me alone!"
I feel like the Twin Towers, I’m broken.
What is red, pink, and goes round and round?
A baby in a blender.
What is green, brown, and goes round and round?
The same baby 3 weeks later.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.