The jokes
What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?
Ivana Pulyova.
Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, "Isn't it dark down here?" She replies, "I don't know. I can't see."
What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
What's the best thing about 28 year olds?
- There's 20 of them.
What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.
Which sex position produces the ugliest children?
Go ask your mother.
Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?
He got inked up.
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?
Fitting in.
What did the pedophile say when he got out of prison?
I feel like a kid again.
A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.
The little boy says, "I'm scared."
The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, ...
so Trump can't tweet it.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.
If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He just stares them down and gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong telephone.