The jokes
The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,
"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,
"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,
"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,
"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."
There was a race between Lettuce, a faucet, and Ketchup. The lettuce was a-head, the faucet was still running, and the ketchup was trying to ketchup.
Make sense of what I am saying, This is a LIE—and that's the TRUTH.
What am I?
Answer: a Riddle.
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
How do you know when a cabbage is boiled?
The wheelchair floats to the top.
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.
What did the first guy say to the second?
Wanna shove a banana up yo ass?
Did you ever hear the story about the broken pencil?
That's okay. There is really no point to it.
Why is the tire so tired?
Because it is tired out.
Why is the sea salty?
Because the land never waves back.
Hrhfgsfabcke then the other guy said, "Potato."
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
There was a blind man in WWE, and the commentator said, "Watch out! Watch... Oh, he can’t see." After he was sued for national offense.
A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."
Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.
What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?
Showing them the ropes.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde girl?
One stops sucking when you smack it.