The jokes
Did you fall from heaven? Or did you fall from the cliff up there?
Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.
And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.
And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"
How did they know the teacher onboard the spaceship had dandruff?
Cause her Head and Shoulders were everywhere!
What did the cow jump over?
The Moon.
Teacher: Kids, what does a chicken give you?
Students: Eggs.
Teacher: Very good. Now, what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon.
Teacher: Excellent. Now, what does the fat cow give you?
Kids: Homework.
A man takes his dog out and steps in shit. He exclaims "WHAT THE DEUCE!"
Your momma's so depressed, she shot herself in the head hoping she'd die.
What did Cinderella leave at the ball?
Her virginity.
Why did the vegetable go to jail?
He kaled a man and stole a 9-carat gold bar.
I was taking a walk near the prison when I saw a good looking guy climbing down the fence, and when he noticed me, he gave me a sneer! It was pretty condescending.
Two cows standing in a paddock, one says, "Moo." The other turns to him and says, "I was just going to say that!"
What's the same thing between milk and a kid with cancer?
They both have an expiry date.
When my dad once went to the Virgin Islands, now it's just called the Islands.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
What does the man say about his baby sister Lydia? "I hope she electrocutes herself!"
I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.