The jokes
I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
The two biggest dyslexic guy lies: "My check is in your mouth," and "I won't come in your mailbox."
Me walking in to the office:
Principal: Tell me, what did you do?
Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...
What did the mincrater do when his Xbox turns off?
He raged! 😱
What did the math teacher write on his party invitations?
Be there or B2.
Why did Chad date the 9 yr old?
Because Stellas hot.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
Because his cousin's name was Koshin, and he didn't want to live anymore.
So you know "The Lion King."
Do you remember Simba?
Well, his dad is really strong, and he walks really fast, but Simba walks really slow.
So I told him to Mufasa.
What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?
Reload... chhchhhh.
Have you heard of the man who got all his left side chopped off?
He was all right.
"One silent evening, a man walks to his fridge to get some food. He sets out a fork and napkin on the table. He reaches to grab a salad topped with olives and cheese. He sets the food down on the table and begins to add tomatoes, condiments, and..." He is interrupted. "Why are you saying this aloud?" A young boy asks his father. The father replies with, "You wanted to know how to live on your own, but I guess experience is more helpful," he says as he rushes the child out of the front door.
Why did Helen Keller burn her hands?
Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.
Kid: What is between mom's legs?
Dad: Paradise.
Kid: What's between your legs?
Dad: The key to paradise.
Kid: Well, you better change the lock, the neighbor has the key to.
What's the number 1 cause of pedophilia?
Sexy kids.
Why did the man sit on his porch and bark at the postman when he came?
Because his dog had a sore throat!
Good morning, madam. I am from the local council. Can you please tell me if you have a dog license for that poodle you have on your head?
The Gold Coast Titans winning the NRL. Best joke ever.
What did the beachgoers in North Carolina say when there was a tsunami?
Nothing, they died.
Why are the best used guns from France?
Because they have never been fired and they have only been dropped once.