The jokes

Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time. A person looks at the tree.

The person: "Only the last thing left to hang!"

He grabs a noose.

What side of the sidewalk do crazy people walk on? The psych-o-path.

Why couldn't the bike stand up by itself?

'Cause it was two tired!

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

He was stuck in the crack.

Did you hear about the new German microwave? It has ten seats in it.

How much do the bones in your body weigh?

A skele-ton!

What’s the point in a cow going to the cinema? To be a-moo-sed!

My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"

The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."

I had a gold fish who could breakdance on the carpet.

For 20 seconds.

And only once... :(

I walked up to a cat and started to sing a song. The cat said, "HECK NO!" then ran off. I follow it while still singing "BABY COME HOME TO ME!!"

What do you call a stick with a string on the end of it?

A fishing pole.

On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."

Americans won't have a Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Why not? They sent their turkey to the White House.

"We've invented the spade!"

"Oh wow, this is ground-breaking!"

Two hats are next to each other. One hat says to the other, "Stay here, I'll go on ahead."

"Ya tryna run? Hop in the van."

Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!

What do you call an arrow pointing the wrong way?

A Disap point ment.

A man came running into a hospital saying, "Doctor, Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know I amputated your arms!"

What do you call Mary Berry when she’s on holiday?

A Cake By The Ocean.