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The jokes

So, there was a kid named Bobby, and he was writing notes. He asked his mother, who was on a phone call, "what is one plus one?" She said, "I HATE YOU." Then he asked his brother what is 2 + 2, who was watching a Batman movie, said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" Then he asked his dad what is 4 plus 4, who was playing football, said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he asked his sister 8+8, (she was playing with barbies), and she said, "My buns are burning." Then he went to school and told her teacher the first note he wrote down. The teacher sent him to the principal’s office. The principal yelled, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" Bobby said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" The principal yelled, "HOW MANY SPANKINGS DO YOU WANT?!" Then he said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he walked away from the principal’s office and said, "my buns are burning."

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    • "I heard a noise in the basement! I'm gonna go to my friend's house and play Minecraft with him until the noise I heard goes away."

    "I heard a noise in the basement. I'm gonna go down there with a bazooka and thirty thousand rounds of pistol ammo and fifty thousand pistols."

    Said no horror movie character ever.

    And also GTA logic.

    To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

    What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag? One's made of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other carries groceries.

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    • An orphan died. No one cared, why? Who is supposed to spread the word? His parents.

    What does a news anchor cow say for the weekly broadcast?

    "Here's the beef of the week!"

    A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof* ... He disappeared without a tres.

    The only problem being short and gay is that whenever I try to tell people I'm top in my relationship, they don't believe me because I'm shorter than the person I'm dating, like, WTF?

    I hate it when ever I bring a girl over, my parents don't care, but when I bring one of my friends that's a boy, they're like, "Keep the door open," and I'm gay.

    A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost.

    So as they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose how you die."

    The man from France said, "Bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun." And the man from New York said, "Bring me a gun as well!"

    The guy was confused but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For the France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started shooting and laughing like a mad man and said. 3 men lived through this and one said to the others, "Well...sh!# that didn't go as planned."

    When the school shooter throws a smoke bomb into the classroom, and the autistic kid thinks it's a dance party.

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    • If you're pan, all you have to do is get a sibling and make them get your parents to the outside of the pantry, and you burst out and then say you're pansexual!

    You don't usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days.

    But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: "Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!"

    Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.

    Condoms 99 percent effective.

    Birth control 99 percent effective.

    Etc.

    Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)

    Two people about to have sex realize they have no lube.

    In their desperate, horny haste, they looked for the nearest "Downy" and asked it, "Speak into my hand."

    Upon their return to the bed, they regretted it immediately because his dick just stayed down...

    What's the difference between a penis and a gun?

    A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.

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