The jokes
Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.
Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: I've got you flowers.
Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?
Doctor: They're for your grave.
What did the big flower say to the little flower?
Hi, Bud!
Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?
Daughter: *tooth hurty*
Dad: All right.
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning, and think, "Well, better luck next time."
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"
Did you hear the gossip about butter? Never mind, I butter not spread it...
Why do bugs hate the internet?
Because they always get caught.
Get it? Inter-net?
What did the human say to the fly when it was buzzing around the human's head?
"Would you stop bugging me!"
What did one bee say to the other bee?
"I love you, honey!"
What did the screw say to the screw? We sure screwed things up!
A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."
A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.
The little girl looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.
The little boy looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.
A few seconds later, the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"
"Sure," said the little boy.
The little boy's mother was downstairs and heard this blood curdling scream. She ran upstairs. Once she got there, she saw blood all over the bathtub. "What happened?!" she said.
"Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit...so I cut the back wheels off..."
A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
An orphan went on a game show.
The host looked at him and said, "You can't play, this is Family Feud."
My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."
Why were the apple and orange all alone? Because the banana "split."
A pirate walks into a tavern with a pirate ship attached to his nutty wuttys. It's driving me nuts!
A troll proceeds to pull out a desert eagle and shoot the pirate in the face. He makes a poggers face and says, "Problem??"
By the way, this isn't a joke or a poem. I just want to say, please check out Gwen's puns. They're good!
Why was the people's wedding so miserable...
'Cause during the kiss someone farted so loud and stinky, they agreed to never try to have another wedding.