The jokes

What did one squirrel say to the other? "Do you have any nuts?"

The reason why you have a high pitched voice is because you always sing opera.

I am still trying to figure out why paying the COVID doctors a compliment is so offensive. They even kicked me out, and all I said was to stay positive...

Yo mama is so fat, when she sat on Walmart, she lowered the prices.

When the school shooter drops his gun, and the autistic kid picks it up thinking it’s his long lost nerf gun.

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

An apple gets picked.

Why did the orphan chase the family? Because he was jealous that he did not have a family.

Pastor: I don’t normally swear, but tonight I am going to, just for the halibut!

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?

They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.

When you're banging the class slut and the school shooter says to leave his corpses alone.

A fat girl was dancing on the table, and I said, "Nice legs." She says, "You really think so?" And I say, "Yes, definitely, most tables would have been broken by now."

One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."

The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."

What did the orphan say to the house? Can I live here?

Perfect dinner joke.

Did you hear about the new movie, "Constipated?"

It hasn’t come out yet.

(Wait, forgot about the 3rd third thing.) I have said this countless times, but it doesn't seem to be getting through to you: quit hating on particular jokes. You don't like it? Nobody cares. Don't go into the morbid jokes category, you idiots, ffs!

What will happen if someone kicks you right in the balls?

You will be like, "Ow, my nuts!"

I tried my best using phone sex online, but the thing about it is the holes cannot fit through.

Why did the gorilla leave the mafia headquarters for good?