The jokes
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!
What did one ghost say to the other?
"Get a life!"
Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.
Why is basketball such a messy sport?
'Cause the players are always dribbling everywhere!
My grandpa was in 9/11. He was the best pilot.
Why were the Twin Towers mad?
Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and they got plain!
When the school shooter is about to leave the room, then the autistic kid says, "Goodbye!"
So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.
The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
Why did the farmer's wife chase the chickens out of the yard?
'Cause they were using fowl language!
We're skipping April Fools' Day this year. The biggest joke is already sitting in office running our country.
I had to share a table recently with a disabled man. When I asked him for the salt and pepper, he had to make two trips.
The orphanage was open in apps, but I didn’t see the home button.
Why did the tomato blush?
Answer: Because it saw the salad dressing.
Why did the man say, "I'm stuck?" Because he was...
I broke up with my ex girlfriend. Here's her number.
Sike, that's the wrong number!
ooooooooooooooooooooo
Yo mama so ugly that when she looked at the sun, it exploded.
When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”
The Americans.
Julie: What's the difference between a chimp and a pizza?
John: I don't know.
Julie: Remind me not to send you to the store...
Why did the robber take a shower before his robbery?
So he could make a clean getaway!