Back

The jokes

Drop me in Afghanistan with a Dodge Challenger Super Stock, a Mexican named Jose, a 6 pack of Dr. Pepper, a golden SCAR, a pack of chimichangas, and an M4A1, and I'll have the Taliban saying the Pledge of Allegiance in 4 hours.

Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

A husband and wife get into a fight. The wife says, "Go blow off some steam. I’ll let you fuck a hooker." So he does that, comes back, and says, "I’m off the hook now!"

What did the Twin Towers' mom say when she fed them? "Open wide honey, here comes the airplane."

  • 7

    • Why didn't the orphan do the work?

    Because when the teacher says they would call your mum or dad, there's nobody to call.

    The teacher said she made the kids guess what a random word was, and it was honey. She also gave them a sample of honey to make it a little easier.

    Teacher said that it was something that you eat and what parents call each other. Little Johnny said, "I know what it is now! Spit them out now guys, their Buttholes!"

    A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.” “I still don’t get it,” responded Little Johnny. “Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad. “Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny and went off to bed.

    In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, “OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!”

    Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."

    Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.

    We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.

    School shooting happens:

    Foreign exchange student: Sobbing under desk.

    American student: “First time?”

    The student from Irak with an AK47: "RAtatata..."

    A man is being sued for raping a deaf girl. The judge, showing his pinky:

    "You should be ashamed, man, your conscience is even smaller than that!"

    The girl, showing her arm:

    "Mhhhmmhmm, mhhmhm!"

    P1: What's the difference between a kid and a hooker?

    P2: I don't know.

    P1: Wow, you sick fuck!

    "Hey, what's the Russian president's name?" "Putin?" "Yeah, Putin deez nuts in yo mouth!"

    You'd think the Catholic Church would be in favor of condoms... less DNA evidence.

    What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?

    The dog knows when to stop scratching.

    Doctor: I’m so sorry, sir, but you only have a couple months left.

    The sir: My children will be devastated.

    Doctor: But I have a shot that can change that.

    The sir: Whatever it takes.

    *Suppressed gunshots*