Soviet Union Jokes

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

"Father, where is the United States?" Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map of North America.

"Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be?" he questioned his father.

The man pointed towards the Soviet Union.

"And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?"

The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British.

"Where is Germany again, Father?"

He pointed to their home country in Central Europe.

Hans pondered this information for a second. "One last question, Father."

"Yes?"

"Has Hitler seen this map?"

A Russian wedding should be called a Soviet Union.

If you go to someone's house and see the flag of the former Soviet Union hanging on the wall,

that's a big red flag!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The KGB.

The KGB wh-?

*slaps* I will ask the questions here.

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

Why is Russia invading Ukraine?

«Мы хотим вернуть Советский Союз!»

A Russian walked into a bar... unlucky for him, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.

America: I'm going to build a wall.

Nazi: Been there.

Soviet Union: Done that.

Why were parts of the Soviet Union that had more industry than agriculture occupied during WW2?

They couldn't beet the Nazis.

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests.

The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" asks one of the guests.

"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.

An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"

In communist Russia there is no discrimination. White, black, African, American, British and Asian. They all go to Gulag eventually.