Off jokes

Once there were three girls taking a walk in the mountains. One was a brunette, one was a redhead, and the other was a dumb blonde. They came to a cliff and the brunette said, "If you jump off that cliff and say what you want to be you will become it." So the brunette jumped off and said "falcon" and became a falcon. The redhead jumped off and said "eagle" and became an eagle. The dumb blonde ran, was about to jump, but tripped on a rock, and said "crap."

If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

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    • A: Why did Sally fall off the swing?

    B: Why?

    A: Because she has no arms.

    Knock, knock.

    B: Who's there?

    A: Not Sally.

    Joe was eating ice cream while walking on the street. He dropped his ice cream. Why?

    B: I don't know, why?

    A: Because Sally was driving the car.

    What’s the difference between a priest and target?

    Nothing, they both have children’s pants half off.

    What's the difference between emos and 9/11?

    The emos are still there, high up off the ground.

    What's white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.

    Why did little Suzy fall off the swing? She got hit by an axe.

    Why did little Billy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.

    How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.

    Why couldn’t Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff?

    Because she was wearing mittens.

    Hey Gwen, listen, I know you're on this app, fake or not. I love you either way. Please find this faker and finish her off for what she's done, real Gwen.

    *You're a real best Gwen*

    What falls quicker off a tree? The leaf or the emo?

    The leaf, because the emo is stopped by the rope.

    Dwarfism is a growing problem.

    Kidding, that’s not funny. My friend died of dwarfism.

    He jumped off a curb stone.

    Jesus was being hung up on the cross, and me and all the other people at the bottom of the hill were watching. Jesus cries out,

    "Peter, Peter come to me!"

    So I climb up the hill on my hands and knees, and when I reach the top, the Romans cut off my arms and chuck me back down the hill.

    "Peter, Peter come to me!" cries Jesus once more. I stumble up the hill, then the Romans cut my legs off and threw me back down. For the third time, Jesus cries,

    "Peter, Peter come to me!". So I wriggle up the hill, and I guess the Romans pitied me and let me through.

    "Look Peter, I can see my house from here!"

    Bick: Jesus isn't real.

    Ron: Yes, He is.

    Bick: Prove it, bitch.

    Ron: Cussing is a sin. Open the curtains.

    Bick: Wh-?

    Ron: JUST DO IT, DAMMIT!

    The sunlight shone through the window, landing on Ron and Bick. Both of them died and went to hell.

    Ron: Fuck you, Jesus.

    Bick: Told you Jesus was real.

    Satan: Get to work, slaves.

    Moral of the story: Stay off the marijuana.

    What's braver than coming out gay? Taking a shit in an elementary school bathroom with those two kids that always mess with you and turn off the lights.

    The Stephen Hawking space telescope will be launched next year. Apparently, it will have four wheels and run off Windows 7.

    Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because she ran away from the ball.

    Don't you find it ironic that Kobe Bryant bounced his helicopter off the ground like a basketball?

    Your mama so fat when she sits on the toilet it sings, "ABC, 123, get your fat ass off of me!"