New News Jokes - Page 32 - Worst Jokes Ever

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence!

My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.

She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.

A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."

Breaking News! A plane crashes into a bridge.

"If all of these structures break we will all die."

And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"

And he said, "It would be breaking news."

Me holding a new cat: Say hi to my little friend!

My friends: Hi to my little friend!

You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"

You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get the Chinese Daily!

Get it? I don't either--I get the New York Times!

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.

Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.

What do you get when you cross a Muslim in a trench coat and a duffel bag?

A sad news story.

I was eating my cereal while watching the news, then I saw my cereal on the news, saying he was a "serial" killer.

What is Al-Qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets.

Did you hear about the person who died? I would tell you about him, but he died.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"