A Roman walks into a bar.
He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."
No matter how much I love cake...
I would never dessert you.
Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.
A fake name and a fake phone number.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
More than three because the basement is still dark!
What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?
He went to the Shell station.
How do you make holy water?
You take normal water, and boil the hell out of it.
Why do shepherds never learn to count?
Because if they did, they would always be falling asleep.
I used to be a banker...
But then I lost interest.
What STD can you get from phone sex?
Hearing AIDS.
Why did the lion always lose at poker?
He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What do you call someone with one arm and no legs?
Names.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
It's easy to roast beef.
Why is there no gambling in Africa?
Too many Cheetahs.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What's the most fun a monk can have?
Nun.
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."
Your momma is so dumb, she sits on the TV and watches the couch.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?
"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."
