Medical Diagnosis jokes

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

What is the difference between a thief and a doctor?

The thief knows what you have!

Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"

Patient: "Cancer?"

Doctor: "What a coincidence."

I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."