Measuring Device jokes

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

I saw a fat girl with a 'Guess' t-shirt, so I said, "286lb."

Teacher: At the end of this ruler is an idiot.

Student: Which end?

Did you hear about the 100 centimeter girl?

I’d really like to meter.

How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.