Masterbate jokes

They say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently, I ruined that funeral.

I got caught masturbating in the bath by my mum!

I said, "Mum, I’ll wash it as hard and fast as I want!"

What does a dead baby look like?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

If a master fisherman had a caddie, what would be the caddie's job title?

A master baiter.

When slave owners can't get a girlfriend, do they MASTERbate?

How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...

When I masturbate, things cum.

When an old man does, no one cums.

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.