Impulse jokes

What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?

We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.

The woman was thinking she wanted to have sex, but one second later, she did it on the street with a criminal.

What do orgasms and impulses have in common?

I don’t care if they have either of them.

"I want to kill my family."

-realizes-

What's the hardest thing to do?

Not kill your siblings. (Put the knives away ">:)")

BFF: Dude, come over to my house right now!

Me: What? No way, it's 2:58 AM.

BFF: But I just found my brother's secret stash of Oreos!

Me: I'll be over in 5 minutes.

Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"

Also me: "Throw it."