How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's some weird number. You probably never heard of it.
How did the octopus go to the war?
Well armed.
How do you make an octopus laugh?
You give it ten tickles.
How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.
How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?
Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.
How did Jesus like his chicken?
Crucifried.
How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher?
Calculator!
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
Wave.
No matter how much I love cake...
I would never dessert you.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
More than three because the basement is still dark!
How do you make holy water?
You take normal water and boil the hell out of it.
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."
How much does a hipster weigh?
About an Instagram.
How do skeletons have sex?
They bone each other.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?
Give her a shovel.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just Juan.
