Howe jokes
Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?
A: Look in a mirror.
How do you know you’ve been robbed by an Asian?
The house is clean, the homework is done, but the idiot is having trouble backing out of the driveway.
How are Stephen Hawking and Kaepernick so much alike? They both don’t stand for the national anthem.
My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help me understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So, me with my horrible humor, decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around, and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are, a fine African meal." Then everybody looked at me in disappointment, and then I continued to say, "What? Poor taste?"
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.
How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.
How does the Eskimo make a house of cards?
Igloos it.
How do you drown a blonde? You tape a mirror to the bottom of a 13-foot deep pool.
My friend asked me:
Friend: "How much is your body worth?"
Me: "1 million."
Friend: "1 million dollars?!"
Me: "No. 1 million kilograms."
Friend: "Oh."
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.
How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.
How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.
What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.
How Stephen Hawking died: he drove too far away from the wall and the cord got unplugged.
So, the sea is on a computer but doesn't know how to search, so the computer said to the sea, "Search!"
Do you get it? SEArch.
How do you get a clown off your swing?
You shoot it.
How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!
I love how all these jokes about different accidents have happened, but why isn't anyone writing about how much of an accident we all were?
Titanic was sinking.
Passenger: "How far are we from land?"
Captain: "Two miles."
Passenger: "Which direction?"
Captain: "Down."
I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up? I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
How do you turn a straight guy into a gay guy? Well... for starts, you grab that ass of his, drag him into the bathroom, and tell him to suck my long, big pineapple, and thus, you have yourself one straight guy converted into a dick-sucking machine.