Howe jokes

How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?

One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

What makes you think feminists can change anything?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

  • 4

    • My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

  • 0

    • A family of three, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

    “Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

    “Let me start,” says the son.

    “Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

    “I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

    “Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom.

    “You’re right!” He replies.

    “I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

    “Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son.

    “The lie isn’t that you’re adopted,” says the dad.

  • 9

    • A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

    “Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

    “Let me start,” says the son.

    “Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

    “I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

    “Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games,” says the mom.

    “Your right!” He replies.

    “I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

    “Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom,” Says the son.

    “The lie is the second on,” says the dad.

  • 1

    • How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on how high your ceiling is.

    God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.

    Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.

    God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.

    Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!

    God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)

    Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)

    God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!

    God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........

    God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.

  • 1

    • How do you know your baby is dead?

    It stopped screaming after not feeding the bastard for a month.

    Do you know why the Royal family can no longer play Monopoly?

    How do you think Princess Diana died?

    ...Too soon?

  • 2

    • How did the hillbilly mother find out her daughter entered puberty? Her son's dick tasted funny.

  • 3

    • How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's a silly question. Feminists can't change anything.

    Why are the same Sally jokes told over and over again?

    Because how can you tell jokes about someone who's dead?