HI jokes
Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.
The cat said hi.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why doesn't Batman have super vision?
His parents died.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.
"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.
"Boxing?"
"No, ... hurdles."
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth?
The dentist!
Why did the author go to the emergency room?
His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.
Why did the strawberry cry? -- Because his mother was in a jam.
What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? -- "Make it sew."
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? -- "Bison."
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buccaneer.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach..."
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why did Beethoven have trouble finding a music teacher? Because his teacher was Haydn.
Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house?
He was snowed in.
How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.