I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.
"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.
"Boxing?"
"No, ... hurdles."
HI Jokes
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth?
The dentist!
Why did the author go to the emergency room?
His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.
Why did the strawberry cry? -- Because his mother was in a jam.
What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? -- "Make it sew."
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? -- "Bison."
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buccaneer.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach..."
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why did Beethoven have trouble finding a music teacher? Because his teacher was Haydn.
Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house?
He was snowed in.
How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What is the most sensitive part of a man's anatomy while he's masturbating?
His ears.
Where did Noah keep his bees? -- In the ark hives.
Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?
Because it was Luke warm.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers? -- To keep his ankles warm.
