HI jokes
"What is your number?" "Hi."
Stephen Hawking got an engine swap with a Nissan 350Z, and they said his wheelchair wasn't street legal :/
Stephen Hawking said God isn’t real, and the Priest put a boot on his tire. 😂😂😂
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? You kick his sister in the jaw.
Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."
Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?
None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.
Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?
He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.
A millionaire LOVES alligators and filled his pool full of alligators. One night he has a party and says, "Whoever can swim from one end to the other of the alligator infested pool unharmed will get a prize, my daughter or a million dollars." Some people line up but they are hesitant. One man gets in the water, swims from one end to the other unharmed, and went to the millionaire. The millionaire says, "Wow, I can't believe you did it! So what's your prize?" The guy says, "I don't care about the million dollars or your daughter, I just want to know who the b@$*ard was that pushed me in the pool!"
What did the 1.8 nanosecond old baby get for his birthday?
Nailed to a puppy falling on a buzz saw being crushed in a hydraulic press while being set on fire.
Why did Johnny cry?
He was molested by his sister. Johnny enjoyed it, though.
My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
What do you call a man who lost his car??
Carlos
My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. Do you know what he said?
"Get your paws off!" 💩💩💩
What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
Carlos.
What do you call the only Trump Supporter to follow his orders to obstruct justice?
Answer: Attorney General William Barr!
Trump's medical records were just released. According to the brain scan, the left side of his brain has nothing right, while the right side has nothing left.
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest.
There was a penguin breathing with his ass. One day, he sat down and he died.
Why won't my boyfriend eat my pie? His brother made it.
How would Steven Hawking's mom punish him as a kid?
Power off his chair.