Hes jokes
A man who thinks he's funny but is actually a transvestite/transformer.
I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.
Teacher: We have a new student. He's an orphan.
Student: Oof.
Teacher: Is anyone missing?
Student: His parents.
Mom: It's time for sleep.
Baby: Is that what you think, huh?
Mom: *gives baby pacifier*
Baby: Nice try, hobo.
Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.
*few hours later*
Baby: *still awake*
Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!
Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.
An American goes on a British bus after being in war. He wants to sit down, so he goes to the back of the bus to sit down, but there is an old woman on the seat with her dog in the next one.
The man says, "Will you move your dog?"
The lady says, "Oh, you Americans are always so demanding," and she says to sit somewhere else. He goes through and finds no seats, so now he's at the back again. This time he throws the dog out the window and sits down.
The man in front says, "You Americans always do things wrong. First, you drive on the wrong side of the road, then hold you knife and fork wrong, and you threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
Did you hear that Michael Jackson changed his name from Michael Smith? Well, at least he's honest.
Kid says, “Are you a soldier?”
Soldier says, “Mhm.”
Kid says, “I wanna be a soldier someday.”
Soldier says, “Really?”
The kid says, “Yeah, but father says I don’t have the balls to be a soldier, but he’s right. I’m a FUCKING PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!!!"
Why is Donald Trump like a creamsicle?
He's white on the inside.
He's orange on the outside.
And then there's that stick!
Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.
What did a skeleton say when he's alone?
"I'm so bonely..."
My teacher said, "Say welcome to our new student; he's an orphan." The teacher said, "Is anyone missing?" I said, "That kid's parents."
How do you know your Dad's been fucking your sister?
His dick tastes funny...
Why can't the T-Rex cross the road?
Because he's extinct.
What does the beet DJ say when he's partying?
"Dance to the beet, y'all!"
My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.
Him: How do you break things?
Me: You break things up.
Him: Okay.
Me: Is everything okay?
Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.
Why does Mario eat mushrooms?
Because he's a very fungi!
So Kobe Bryant walked into a bar, just kidding, he's dead and his fame went spiraling out of control.
Why does Job have an Area 51 head? Because his head is the shape of a 🦖.
Did you hear about the goldfish that went bankrupt?
Now he's a bronze fish.
I don't understand why people hide under their blankets. It's not like the killer's gonna be like, "I'm gonna kill-....ahh man he's under his blanket."