Herring jokes

My sister is the weird dark one and emo of the family. I'm the bright happy one. Once in 3rd grade, I got a huge A on mine, and my sis got a D-.

In the playground near a tree, we were sitting and playing. I said, "Hey, a C- is not that bad," and raised my hand up to give her a high five, but she left me hanging.

So I punched an orphan...

What's he/she going to do? Tell his/her parents???

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.

She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”

My mom ate my food, so I ate her pet hamster.

Your Mom is so friking fat, that when she ripped her pants and went to the seamster, they said, "We don't sew curtains!"

Yesterday a woman stabbed me, so I stabbed her back. Then I realized she was the vaccine woman.

Yo mama so fat, the Egyptians modeled the pyramids based on her.

Yo mama's so fat, Darth Vader wanted her to be the Death Star!

Yo mama so fat, Donald Trump built a wall around her.

How do you turn rape into no rape? Steal her bank details for money transfer.

Yo mama was so fat, Huggy Wuggy couldn't fit his arms around her!

Women be like I don't wear makeup for men.

Then get mad when a man doesn't compliment her in her makeup!

Your mum is so fat that when she sat on the toilet, she couldn't because her fat ass can't fit on the toilet seat.

You look like the type of guy to wash his/her hands after a shower! (And don't write in the comments that there are more than 2 genders.)

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"

My teacher said, "Words don't hurt!"

So I threw my dictionary at her.