Heart jokes
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
Why didn't the skeleton want to make art anymore?
He didn't have the heart to put into it.
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
My heart is like a plane.
It crashes every once in a while.
Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?
Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.
The Breakfast Couples: (Bacon) - Don't go bacon my heart.
(Egg) - I couldn't if I fried.
Bambi was calmly eating grass. All of a sudden, a red dot pointed near his heart caught his attention. He looked around anxiously, and he saw a man in camouflage. He whispered, "Time to join mother, Bambi!" Bambi knew what this meant. He ran. He heard a gunshot, followed by a wave of extreme pain. Bambi fell to the ground. He glanced at his leg, which was no longer attached to his body. The man in camouflage came up to him and stabbed him in the heart. Everything went black...
If Stephen Hawking had a heart attack, would he go to hospital or Curry's PC World?
What has a heart but no organs?
A deck of cards!
My grandfather had the heart of a lion,
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Don't break someone's heart because they only have one; instead, break their bones... they have 206.
What do you call a person whose heart stopped?
Dead.
If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.