DoS jokes
I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator ;)
Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.
A man is meeting a client in Japan, but arrives a day early. When night hit, he went out with a prostitute. They're having sex, but the prostitute kept shouting "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!", so the man thinks he's doing a good job. The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing, and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!". His client turns around confused and says, "What do you mean wrong hole!?"
My friend: What are you doing?
Me: I'm making holy water.
My friend: How?
Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You give it a little boogie.
How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it 23 times.
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
What do you call a place where people die?
Rosshall Academy.
What do you call a retreat in war?
A backup plan.
How do you knockout an unorthodox blue tooth?
You get a good connection.
Do the French people smoke weed or oui'd?
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? -- Tequila Mockingbird.
What do you get when you cross a pedophile and an elementary school? Predator 3.
What do you call a pansexual pedophile? Jesus.
What do you call three people in a dark room? A porno.
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.
The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr. Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
What do emos and apples have in common?
They both hang on trees.
What do you call a pun that's bad? A bad pun.
What do you call Mexicans in a band trying to be a white band?
"Juan Direction."