DoS jokes
Why do orphans commit crimes?
Because they want to be wanted.
What do you call a photo of an orphan who takes a selfie?
A family portrait.
What do guns and gum have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.
What do you call a family photo with an orphan?
A selfie.
What flour do you buy an orphan?
Self-raising flour.
Why do orphans use Samsung?
Because iPhones have home buttons.
If you have a pair and it runs around the street, what do you call it? A running pair.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."
Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
What do you call suicidal Hitler?
Slitler.
Why do gay people like sports?
Because they get to play with balls.
Do you want to hear a cold joke?
Can't. It warmed up.
Who is yourself, and why do people keep telling me to kill him?
What do dropouts and Boeing 767s have in common?
They crash and burn.
What do youuuuuuuuuuu Oh f***, my mom is gonna kill me! My shit is stuck on the toilet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What flour do orphans use?
Self-raising flour.
What do you call an 18 year old orphan?
Homeless.
What do you get if a disabled person falls off a building? Mashed potatoes.
What do you call an emo with a knife?
A cutting board.