I wake up in the morning and I suck my teeth.
I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.
My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."
You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.
What does an apple and a lawyer have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. "One more picture and I'll jump." He takes another photo and shuts the window. "I can't jump, you're not supposed to throw trash out the window."
I have no friends, but then I realize my true friends are anxiety and depression.
What's the hardest line to draw in a hospital?
... A FLATLINE!
Website: Submit a joke :-)
Me: My life.
Why do orphans go to church?
So they have someone to call father.
I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.
I can measure the speed of an object, because I want to km/s.
Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. That's my best friend.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Your mom.
Fuck you you rwind my life.
Me: Have you ever went sky diving?
Friend: No.
Me: Well don't, it sucks.
Friend: Why?
Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.
You must be depression, because you make me want to kill myself ;)
People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.
There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
I am a reverse rapper because I put bars in my mouth.
Depression is like having anxiety, but with more voices.
