Count jokes
There are three types of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.
There was a news story the other day where a magician disappeared. He was like "At the count of 3 I will disappear aight...Uno, Dos," and he disappeared without a trace.
How do you count cows with a cowculator?
I have more STDs than Hicks has friends at the moment. I only have one.
How many time does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?
I don’t know, I can’t count while masturbating.
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!
How many fat people are in my house?
20, counting the kids in the basement.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
How can you tell if a gay guy has a high sperm count?
Chew when you swallow!
I am counting my fingers and get nine. Why?
Incest is wincest. (That was above.)
Fun for the whole family!
Next of kin, count me in!
I woke up one night to a strange noise, and when I went to investigate what it was, I found out that it was coming from my parents' room.
I looked inside and counted, ok one, two, three finger men and my mom, so nothing out of the ordinary, so then I checked my sister's room, and I counted 4 other women in the room, but then I realized that the sound was coming from right in front of me. It was my dad giving me a BJ the whole time.
A man is with his friend in a bar.
The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"
Nervous, the man looks away.
The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."
The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."
"Wait, wha..."
"What?"
Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.
I had amnesia once... maybe twice.
I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.
When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?
"One, he killed himself."