Count jokes

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.

The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"

I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.

Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.

There was a Mexican magician. He was going to disappear on the count of three.

1-2-..... and he left without a trace.

How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "uno, dos..." and poof! He disappears without a tres.

Why was Hitler bad at math?

He could only count to nein.

How do you count cows? -- With a cowculator.

Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

More than three because the basement is still dark!

Why do shepherds never learn to count?

Because if they did, they would always be falling asleep.