Chisel jokes

How do you know when Kobe Bryant is famous?

His face was chiseled in a mountain.

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.

"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"

"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."

How do you know that the U.S. sucks at chess?

They lost two towers.

Chuck Norris once stepped on a Lego.

The Lego broke in half.

What’s the similarity between a bag of chips and a gun?

When you pull one out in class, everybody wants to be your friend.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.