Canning jokes

In the new Justice League movie, Flash can break glass by touching it, why is that?

Because Flash is not supported on Windows.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?

Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?

Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.

Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.

A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.

A burger walks into a bar and says, "Hi sir, can I have a glass of water?"

And the waiter says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve food here."

Why can I be black? Because I look like I have puberty, and I sound like I had puberty.

Hi, people. I really need a friend. Can someone please be my friend? Say in comments if you will.

Why do orphans play with Barbies?

So they can have a home :)

My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."

My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."

My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets!"

If you're reading this, then good, let's stop this hating on this site! We can just get along, or if not, then don't say anything at all! "Kiss."

Me: Mrs., can I read my book?

Teacher: Sure.

Me: *watching my Chromebook*

Why did the knight cross the road?

He can't because his armor was too heavy.

Do you think I can shoot a basketball?

I make it dip like water.

There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

Hi, I'm Madison, but for short you can call me Alex.

I donated to the LGBTQ community. Hopefully now they can find a cure.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose 👃, but you can't pick your friends' noses 👃 👃 👃.

I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. The person got excited and asked if I can drive a truck.