And jokes
What's the difference between an emo kid and an apple? The apple falls from the tree.
Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"
And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."
Do you know what dogs and orphans don't have in common?
Dogs get loved.
For this orphan, his dad didn't only go and get the milk. His mom did too.
Little Johnny went up to his mom and said: "Can I have some milk?"
He waited for three hours to get an answer.
His mom finally said: "No, your dad still isn't back with it."
What's the best way to tell your friend you hate them? Option 1: Kill them. Option 2: Walk away. Option 3: Kill each other.
Me: Why can't I just kms and leave them the pain?
What do the twin towers and genders have in common? They used to be two, but now they're a sensitive subject.
If you think long and hard, oral sex is like cannibals.
What is the difference between apples and orphans?
The apples get picked.
Luckily for you, mirrors can't talk, and luckily for you, they can't laugh either.
I asked my mom what her biggest regret was for a project at school, and she said, "Oh, go look in the bathroom above the sink..." There was a mirror.
Yo momma's legs are like cottage cheese: white and chunky.
Yo momma's so dirty that when I asked what was for dinner, she sat on the table, opened her legs, and said "Crabs."
So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.
Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They stuck her in a round room and told her to find the penny in the corner.
What is big and bouncy and walks on stilts?
My parents used to make me and my siblings apologize to the ground when we stomped.
If I had done "it," I would have gotten SO many apologies.
How many emissions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry.
What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?
They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
I saw a kid on the side of the road covered in rags and asked if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."
I saw a kid crying and asked him where his parents were. He started crying harder.
The ungrateful brat. I see why he is an orphan.